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by James B. Stenson

You are one person, not two. You are the same man, both on the job with your colleagues and at home with your family and friends. You cannot live two lives; you must be the same person in both spheres of responsible operation.

Men who are weak and ineffective fathers tend to split their lives between work and family. That is, they live as producers at work but consumers at home.

On the job they dedicate their powers to serious, responsible activity; but at home they rest passively in pleasurable recreation. In the workplace, their character strengths operate at all-out exertion – everyone sees and respects their sound judgment, sense of responsibility, tough-minded perseverance, and self-control. But at home, their inner strengths rest on idle, set aside (so to speak) for the day, and thereby hidden from their children’s eyes.

Successful fathers do not live like this. They are smart, effective leaders at home as well as on the job. Their strength of character impresses their children as much as their colleagues at work. Their devotion to their family, in fact, gives meaning and purpose to their strenuous life of professional work. The main purpose of their work is the welfare of their family, and their children know this.

In short, a successful father exercises leadership at home as much as on the job – and in roughly the same ways.

What does this mean? Let’s first look at how a man typically exercises effective leadership in the workplace, and then let’s turn to see how the same attitudes and behaviors apply to leadership at home.

Leadership on the job

What are the traits found most commonly among successful business and professional leaders? I ask you here to think about the best bosses you’ve ever worked with or met in your line of business, whatever it may be. What attitudes and actions characterize an outstanding leader, maybe the sort of leader you aspire to become?

Here are some traits that I think you’ll recognize....


An outstanding professional leader has a clear long-term vision about the company’s future success, and he communicates this goal, at least occasionally, to everyone who works with him. He thinks 5 to 20 years ahead, and this goal-setting drives him and his team forward – for he knows that people’s efforts are only effective when they’re focused on some future achievement.
He maintains a strong sense of teamwork. He looks mostly for strengths in people and sees his job as coordinating those strengths toward the team’s collective endeavors. He helps his colleagues, especially subordinates, develop their strengths and skills as they carry out clear-cut responsibilities.
He constantly sets priorities and sticks to them. When faced with a problem, he asks, “How important will this be a year from now, five years from now, or later?” Within this framework, he shrugs off or ignores unimportant snarls and minor setbacks.
He tends to see problems as challenges, not just hassles. He has a kind of sporting spirit about his work, and he knows that any sport involves occasional bruises, mistakes, and disappointments. He learns from mistakes, his own and others,’ and helps his subordinates do the same.
If resources are scarce, including time, he works smart. He makes the most of what he has available, including slivers of time here and there. He doesn’t procrastinate; papers don’t just sit cluttered on his desk. He thinks before he acts, then acts intelligently and decisively.
He takes personal responsibility – no excuses, no alibis, no whining, no “victim complex,” no shifting of blame. He accepts the consequences of his free decisions and actions, including mistakes.
He’s conscious of his authority, and comfortable with it. He has rights because he has duties. His knows his rights come with the job.
He rewards good effort, making praise as specific as blame – and just as sincere. He affirms and encourages his people, pressing them to put out their very best regardless of shortcomings. He sees part of his job as keeping obstacles out of his people’s way, eliminating whatever holds them back from their best performance.
When he must correct others, he corrects the fault, not the person. He comes down on the foul-up, not the one who did it. He corrects people privately, never in public. If he goes too far, he apologizes. He puts fairness ahead of his ego.
When he thinks about his people’s professional development, his frame of reference (consciously or intuitively) comprises the virtues: sound judgment, responsibility, perseverance, self-discipline. He wants and expects his people to grow in these areas. His company depends on it. He knows his business is only as strong as the people who work for it.



Leadership at home

Having looked at leadership on the job, let’s turn to see how these same traits apply to a father’s leadership at home with his family. Here’s what we see....


He has a constant spirit of team collaboration with his children’s mother. She is his partner in a collective team enterprise. Together they endeavor as much as possible to present a united front to the children. They check with each other about decisions, large and small, that affect the children’s welfare. They draw on each other’s strengths and, in different but complementary ways, they support each other.
He works with their mother to set and maintain a long-term vision (20 years ahead) about the children’s growth in character, no matter what they later do for a living. Both parents think of their children as grown-up men and women, adults with virtue: conscience, competence, responsibility, self-mastery. This distant but clear ideal forms the basis for teaching, practice, and correction now.
He corrects his children’s faults, not them personally. He “hates the sin, loves the sinner.” He combines correction and punishment with affectionate forgiveness, understanding, and encouragement. He is neither weak nor harsh but rather affectionately assertive. He loves his children too much to let them grow up with their faults uncorrected.
He’s not afraid of being temporarily “unpopular” with his children. Their long-term happiness is more important to him than their present bruised feelings from correction. He’s confident that their present resentment will soon pass, and that someday they will understand and thank him for his principled efforts.
He goes out of his way to listen to his children, and he pays close attention to their growth in character. He monitors and guides their performance in sports, chores, homework, good manners, and relations with siblings and friends. He knows what goes on in his home and inside the growing minds of his children.
He respects his children’s freedom and rights. He teaches them how to use their freedoms responsibly, and he exercises only as much control as they need. He sets limits to his children’s behavior, draws lines between right and wrong. Within those limits, the children may do what they think best; beyond the lines, they begin to infringe on the rights of others – and this he will not permit.
He sets aside his fatigue, anxiety, and temptations to slack off – putting his fatherly duties ahead of self-interested pursuits. He sets aside the newspaper to help with homework. He goes without television to set a good example. He lets his kids work with him around the house even when they mostly get in the way. Like a good boss, he’s always available to help and advise; consequently, his children sense he would drop anything if they really need him. He’s willing to put off a life of leisure until his children have grown and gone; now, while they’re still at home, their needs come first.
He is open to his children’s suggestions, their “input” about family decisions. When matters are unimportant, he accedes to their preferences. But larger, more important matters are decided by the parents. He’ll let his children decide what dessert to have or what game to play, but he and their mother will decide which school the children attend and what television programming is allowed in the house.
When he has caused offense, he apologizes. He puts justice ahead of his ego.
He knows that time passes quickly and he hasn’t much of it. So he makes smart use of scant resources. He makes the time, even small slivers of it here and there, to live with his children.
Children with a father like this, wholly supported by their mother, have a fighting chance of becoming great men and women. They grow to honor Dad and Mom, live by lessons learned since childhood, and pass these on to their own children whole and intact.
Have confidence. Other normal men have become fathers like this, and so can you.


James B. Stenson is an educational consultant and speaker. This piece is an excerpt of his article, “A Father’s Unity of Life.”


For the full text of this article, please see James Stenson’s website: www.ParentLeadership.com.

posted by AcrosticGuy @ 6:57 PM